Day 3 Caen - Cleon

Day 3 was from what i gather from most people the best day (it certainly was for me)

It was the day  which spawned  "Big George and the Train,", "Team cock" and "the day of 2 lunches"

On Friday we woke up largely to pretty incredible hangovers, some people had been sensible and not re hydrated with booze to such an extent. Gareth, Nathan and Paul G (when he finally emerged) were by far in the worst state, Paul not even having time for breakfast (school boy error!)  The mission for the rest of us  had been to soak up as much leftover booze over breakfast as possible to endure the long days riding ahead.

The rear group left early so they could take there time and take in the sights a little more, whilst the rest of us got a bit longer to clear our heads.

The torrential rain from the previous night had completely gone, leaving beautiful clear skies and perfect riding conditions. However, the first hours riding was hard work, fuelled by the previous nights stupidity, we'd been warned that there would be hills today, which didn't actually turn out to be too bad, there were hills don't get me wrong but they were long drags not helped by hangovers.

The roads were even better than the previous day, I'd never ridden on such amazing smooth roads. The mornings ride was the most exhilarating I'd ever experienced before, we were bombing across country, picturesque views either side - not that we got to see tit for too long as our wheels barely touched the polished tarmac.

We rounded a corner into a steep hill leading across and along the seafront, going up the hill, we passed a group of old ladies, who were cheering us up the hill like being on the tour! it was brilliant, as I was last up i got the biggest cheer, even bigger as I was the only "Dame" if I'm honest, the guys were well out of sight! The drivers were much friendlier round this route, tooting their horns and waving. It's funny, because in England you'd assume they were tooting aggressively, but here it was so refreshing.

We wove down through the cliffs towards the sea, everyone was in their element, this was what riding is about.

Heading towards our meeting point, was for me, one of the most beautiful parts of the journey, to the left, was the sea, to the right was beautiful seafront cottages with cliffs in the background, locals milling about, and as we pulled up, we opened out into the Marina with a few old fashioned merry-go-round and a river just beside the restaurant we stopped at.

Our hangovers, now forgotten - except Paul - who ordered 2 lunches (he missed breakfast y'see) we had news from  Giles that the other group had got lost, made an early stop and would be stopping again later and not meeting us for lunch.

The weather, still perfect, a mornings awesome riding behind us and we were all in great spirits. The afternoon would see us ride a further 45 miles into Cleon.

We started off as one group, but soon became split as the testosterone started to build, going up a big climb, the big guys made a break for it, Captain turdseye put the hammer down, anyone that could stay with him could do that anyone else would fall back and create a subgroup.

As the hammer went down and the front group set off, me and Nathan tried to stick with them but he just couldn't keep up, so i held back for him cos he was struggling! (obviously this is a slight deviation from the truth)  I stopped for a slash whilst Nathan made jokes about bushes, in this time Paul and Gareth caught up shortly followed by Captain Cadence. So the five of us regrouped and found that Giles was supporting us, which was great as he knew the route and I for one can't read a map for shizzle, and there was no way he'd take us on a really dodgy route!!

The afternoon, went from funny to hilarious, I had such a blast, I don't think I've laughed so much in ages, my face hurt more than my legs. During the afternoon, we formed "Team Cock" no idea why, it was just one of those things, maybe because I called a lot of people a cock that weekend, maybe just because we're a bunch of cocks!? Nathan became "King Cock" for the following reason....

Earlier that day, Nathan had been telling us about these amazing tubeless tyres he'd put on his bike - to be fair they looked quite cool with their go faster stripe down the middle. "Nothing will puncture these" he said, with the utmost confidence. Who were we to disbelieve this, we had some shoddy clincher tyres - pah.

Riding along, taking the piss out of each other, which was the order of the afternoon
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! noooo waaaaaaaaaaay"

We looked round to see Nathan staring in horror at his deflated tyre. Of course, we found this hysterical, of course, Nathan felt pretty stupid! While we rolled about laughing, Giles pulled up and Nathan thought about what to do... there weren't any spare tubeless tyres on the truck, so he'd have to borrow a spare tyre and inner tube. He sulked like a child while he had to put on this unmatching tyre, we took photos and laughed. He didn't want us to tell anyone after going on about how great these things were! Of course not! That would be mean ;-)

After we'd stopped laughing at him, Gareth offered to help him "do you want a hand? Tough, cos I don't like you"

Eventually we got away again, only a few miles down the road to have Gareth snap a spoke (this is a nasty habit he has!) So Giles pulls over again. Now not sure what to do, not really thinking it's safe riding along with a broken spoke, we clock Kev's unused bike on the truck so whip the wheel out of that and stick that onto Gareth's bike and once more we were away. Only thing was, the wheel was one of those annoying free hub ones which whenever you stop pedalling it makes an annoying ticky clicky nose, so I asked Gareth if he could kindly keep pedalling at all times!

The afternoon went on, with Japes and frolicking, Giles, with his excellent navigating, decided he'd take us off course and do some off roading! He led us down these stony, potholed windy roads, it was just like riding the ridgeway! To be fair the sat nav did take him down some farm tracks (which we didn't follow)

We finally pulled up to the hotel we were staying at to find the front group sat around, having been there for an hour.

Their day sounded fun too, Captain Turdseye had acquired another nickname "Big George" the group had become known as "The Train" Mark Q had had an afternoon of exploding tyres from the speed they'd been travelling at. Gary now know as Jan. They were all in equally high spirits and the morale in the group was great.

The other group still hadn't been seen all day and shortly after they appeared round the corner, Jim'll had been having problems with Navigating, the group had become lost, but it was not all bad as the group  had had "2 lunches" which was seemingly a high point of the day. I expect Michael and Toots had come off a couple of times ;-)

What was great was Jo, who'd been wanting to sell her bike as soon as she returned to England was now in love with it. She'd done a complete 180 since the morning and was in a great mood and raring to go the following morning.

Once washed and stretched, we headed out for dinner, everyone was starting to show their tiredness but all excited about the final push to Paris the next morning, Captain T gave us the itinerary for the following morning, it was to be a mega early start in order to get to the Eiffel tower at around 3 after cycling 90 miles, so we got a fairly early night (partly because there weren't any pubs round there).

Total Mileage: 84 Miles (92 for team cock)
Total Ascent: 1900m (alegedly but i dont believe Mark)
Max Speed: 45mph (achieved but some of the train)

Day 2 - Normandy Beaches

Day 2 originally had been planned as an option of 65 miles or 132 miles in along the coast of Normandy and various other towns - the shorter one for those who might want to sun themselves on the beach.

When we surfaced after an average of about 2 hours sleep throughout the group, the day didn't look like it would promise much sun. The cabins alarms sounded around 5am local time - alarm was not the word, some strange eerie music wafting out of the bedside table was more accurate. Confused at lack of sleep, the pitch dark, the strange surroundings, we didn't know what this rude interruption to our short sleep was.

When we realised what it was, it was time to get up and packed and squeeze ourselves out of the tiny space we'd been crammed into. I asked Quiz to carry one of my bags for me, which he said he would. We made our way to the vehicles and drove off the ferry to the car park about half a mile away, which was conveniently next to a cafe.

I checked with Quiz my bag was in the truck - "what bag?" - the one that was still on the deck of the Ferry! So i ran to back to the boat and luckily someone was just carrying it off and i got told off  in a sexy French accent (I'm a sucker for one of those) "Next time, we'll destroy eet"

Once fed with eggs and ham and lots of bread we got on board and headed out of Caen. The views were beautiful across the sea, for the first 15 - 20 miles we got to experience the awesome roads that France boasts. Few pot holes, smooth tarmac and a brilliant tail wind. We flew along enjoying the luxury of these conditions. Soon the wind turned into our faces, and the wind  was howling off the sea, cutting across our paths, spraying sea salt onto our expensive bikes!

We made several mandatory wee stops for the guys - they just don't have the bladder control of us ladies! All too soon we were at the beach we'd planned on stopping for lunch, all on a high from the exhilarating riding, and the impressive sweep down to the seafront. A few of us were going to take a lunchtime swim - but this idea didn't last!

Not far behind us was the second group and then turned up Matt  - Captain Turdseyes boss, he'd travelled over on his motorbike to support us until the following afternoon. He was dressed up like a fluro Stig. We all ate, drank and as we were about to leave, the heavens opened. Several people bailed out and got in the vehicles for the afternoon, the rest of us braved the rain, wind and elements and rode off for the afternoons ride back. Over lunch some had discussed going further, and getting back as fast as possible, leaving the remaining group to get back at a more sensible pace. But this was before the change in weather. So we set off in our 2 groups.

The afternoon was horrendous, the wind and rain was in our faces or crossing us constantly. The ride was split up and  myself, Paul G and a couple of others just behind  found  ourselves dropped from the faster group. After about an hour we  had located Paul Mason just ahead. I picked up to catch up with him and the others dropped back.

For the next half hour - an hour, Paul and I worked hard to keep each other going, bantering and encouraging each other. He threatened to "do me" on the hills, but i tried hard to fend him off. We were having a great time and suddenly we saw the faster group just ahead as well as the support car. We had two choices - stop and get some refreshments, or kick on and catch up. So me and my wingman took the latter, and worked really hard to catch them.

They were totally taken by surprise at our appearance, (partly because we looked so battered i imagine!) we hopped into the pelaton and now battered from catching up, we had to work even harder to stick with the group.

Throughout the afternoon, Matt took snaps of people at various points, and rode up front like a proper Tour support - we looked the Biz!!

The front group waited just outside Caen for the second group to catch up and ride to the hotel together. The group approached and came to a halt and along slid Kees on the floor - he once more had forgotten to unclip his feet and used his knees as a brake!

He wasn't the only faller though, Ian also came off, but managed quite an acrobatic display as his wheel got stuck in a crack and he flipped over the handlebars, rolled backwards and up on to his feet!

Despite the shabby weather everyone had a fantastic day, we checked in to the hotel, and then had a bit of a session (we also had a lot to drink!) ;) The evening was a total wash out with torrential rain like I've not seen for some time, so we went to the pub down the road for a few, then found a Chinese restaurant to eat at. Captain had gone in there to see if they could fit us in and they spoke neither English nor the disjointed French that Mark was attempting. So the communication resorted in Mark drawing stick man pictures to explain what he was trying to say!

I wish he'd saved the picture as it sounds like it belonged on the wall with the nursery schools finger paintings!!

We went for dinner and continued drinking, some more than others, and as the night grew on and the more drunk people got the more we seemed to forget we had a long ride the following morning!

It was this evening that Gary was nicknamed "Dad" - he is and has always been considerate (particularly towards me being a weak girlie) helping the weaker or tired riders up hills, pulling and pushing them, letting us draft off his back wheel, sheltering us from the wind.

There was also an incident involving Captain Cadence (not to be confused with Captain Turdseye), his bottom, Gary and an Ice cube. I'll let them elaborate if they so desire!!

Most of us went to bed - only because the pub stopped serving and it transpired the next morning that Captain T had got into the lift and found Quiz avec bottle of vin rouge, which escalated in them going to a pub. Dirty stop outs!

Stats

Mileage - 75
Ascent - 900m
Fallers - 2 - 3 (Michael fell off a few times too and it's believed it was one fall each day)
Cumulative Alcohol Consumed - several hundred units

Day 1 Swindon - Portsmouth

Day 1 of the trip was to go from Swindon to Portsmouth to catch the overnight Ferry to Caen. The maps we’d been sent showed the trip was “70 ish” miles – perfectly reasonable distance start to ease us into the trip we all felt.

So, after everyone had recovered enough from the climb, we organized ourselves into two slightly different paced groups, but regroup at various points along the way to Portsmouth or the back group sweep up any stragglers from the front group. The weather, despite the previous day and forecast was great, a gentle breeze, mostly bright and with only one 15 minute shower – which admittedly made the roads a bit slippery in places and the route pretty much pancake flat after the hill out of Swindon.

The plan was to stop half way in “Anna’s Valley” (that’s not a metaphor) near Andover at Wyevale Garden Center where Captain Turdseye had warned them of our impending visit – that we’d be very hungry and wanting cake and tea. They were very accommodating of 20 bikes and riders in bum hugging Lycra and fed and watered us and gave us a generous discount off our bill – amazing what you can wangle if you ask nicely!

Whilst we were queuing for coffee a slightly ruffled and limping Kees walked in – he’d had a mishap at a roundabout involving a stupid driver (apparently he bailed to save damaging his shiny bike - ahem ) and come off on the wet road; not the best start for his trip, and despite a hefty bruised leg (and ego no doubt!) he soldiered on.

After we’d got back on, refueled and ready to go, we took a look at the map… if this stop was half way to Portsmouth, and we’d gone 45 miles how can the total trip be 75 miles? It doesn’t take Carol Vorderman to do that Maths! Captain Turdseye’s trundle wheel needed calibrating and checking for accuracy we thinks!

About a mile after we got going, there was a bit of a kerfuffle… the ride got split, 2 punctures happened, one group carried on along the route (then got a puncture), one group stayed to fix the punctures, one group went completely the wrong way and Giles the support driver of the pick up truck somehow locked his keys in the car – with the Engine running!!? How the hell he managed that is anyone’s guess.

So group one, carried on towards Portsmouth using Deans map and Ian’s trusty Garmin, group two went in search of group 3 via Edinburgh and Giles waited for 90 minutes for a spare key to be delivered to him!

It soon became apparent that we weren’t going to get to Portsmouth in time for our dinner reservations, so we rang to cancel, the roads between Winchester and Portsmouth were heavy going, big rolling hills, rough potholed roads and finally after riding through the Ghetto of Portsmouth (not a great place to get a puncture I’d imagine!) we finally saw the sea and made our way to where the support vehicles were parked.

There was no sign of group 2 or 3 so we began getting the van ready to take our bikes, all hungry, smelly and thirsty (mostly for a pint) and the sweeper group appeared with a slightly irked Captain Turdseye.

Looking at my computer I could see that we’d actually covered 92 miles – not 75. We were all given a bit of a ticking off for letting the group split up from the Captain, with so many of us we had to keep an eye on each other.

Whilst waiting for the Ferry (aka the Party boat) we got ourselves a well earned pint and burger (or Two Pizzas in the case of Kev ;) ) – amazing how amazing that first pint off a 90 mile ride tastes!

Mark had kindly arranged cabins for the crossing so we didn’t have to sleep on the floor of the bar on the ferry, so we had four people to a cabin…. When you say cabin, it was more of a cupboard… Me, Jo, Mark Q and Paul M walked to our cabin, opened the door and saw one small bed and a small sofa…. This can’t be right!? Then one of the others clocked the pull handles in the ceiling gave them a tug and out popped two more beds! It was like James bond! The sofa also spun round into a bed.

It wasn’t the Ritz, but it was a bed for the night and a shower to wash our sweaty pits. Some of us went to the bar for a few more jars and managed at best a couple of hours sleep. Although, Tim said his room had a hot tub, butler service and large flat screen TV – impressive what you can get inside those little boxes!

Stats from Day 1
Distance Travelled – 92 miles
Ascent – 1500m
Approx cumulative Calories burnt – 72,000
Punctures – 3
Offs – 1

Bon Voyage - The Send Off

The Final Team Line Up
Due to a few minor changes the team has changed slightly:
Mark Nelson (Captain Turdseye)  - Team Captain
Dean
Mark Querzani (Quiz)
Tim
Charlie (Sicknote)
Kees
Kevin
Shaun (Captain Cadence)
Anna  (Bumpits/Bumtits)
Richard M
Paul G
Nathan
Gareth
Jo
Michael
Toots
Tony
Paul M
Gary (Dad)
Ian
David (Jiim'll) - Support driver of Van
Giles - Support Driver of Truck


The day began at Chez Turdseye with everyone loading their bags into the van and registering with Gareth. It felt a little like being at school having to hand over our passports to be checked. Lucky we did though as Richard soon found out! Gareth opened Richard’s passport to check the dates were valid, the date was fine, however if it was Richard’s wife who was coming to Paris it would be fine - he'd only picked hers up by mistake! Further to this problem was the fact that he not only didn’t have his passport, but he lived over in the flat lands of East Anglia, so a courier was arranged to transport the passport to meet us in Portsmouth.

Once the van was all loaded up, riders were fuelled up, final mechanical checks had been done, we all set off to Catherine Wayte Primary School where our send off was going to be and the local rag had arranged to come down to do an article and take our mugshots and our nearest and dearest were there to wave us off. I'd turned up wearing a stripey top, beret and a string of onions - i frickin stank! (it became a good excuse to blame the onions later in the day)

The headteacher of the school had organised all the children to line the playground and each of the riders to be introduced, and ride through whilst they cheered. Mark gave us a run down of what we were to do - one at a time, ride through the playground, follow  on through towards swindon, keeping a blue shirted cyclist in view and regrouping a little further on.

So we had our picture taken and were had warned us not to fall off  - we managed to all stay on board! (for now) but it was dead cute weaving through all the cheering children so a massive thanks to all of them, and the teachers at the school.

All of us together in our kit looked brilliant, the colours are great and we looked like a proper cycling club - I'm sure there were many times we didn't look like a cycling "club" throughout the trip though!

During the morning briefing Mark had told us that we would be regrouping in Wanborough, taking a quick stop check and then set off on the route. He also warned in his scare mongering fashion that pretty much immediately we would hit a "bit of a climb" which would probably have people off on their feet and walking up it! Nothing like a nice hill to start a 4 day cycling trip hey!?

So after 20 cyclists coughing their way up "a bit of a climb" was now the start of Day 1 and we were off!

T Minus 1

Final night in our own beds before departure. The weather has been unsettled today to say the least, one minute torential rain, the next beautiful sunshine. So we're all praying for the latter for the next few days at least!

This evening I bumped into Gareth in Asda whilst I was shopping for wet wipes (which he told Turdseye were for my front bottom), vaseline (for chaffe prevention!) and Jelly Babies - for their amazing energy.He caught me laughing like a loon to myself having stumbled across these

-->  call me juvenile but i found it hysterical.

Paul popped round earlier to collect mine and Marks bikes to store at his folks, i was meant to be going out but ended up getting held up so have not long been back, still got my packing to do and everything to sort for tomorrow. Will sort it out in the morning now, as I'm pooped.

Emails have been going back and forth throughout the team during today and everyone's getting super excited now.

We're due to leave Swindon at 11.30 tomorrow morning so we get to Portsmouth in good time for dinner reservations, and to catch the ferry (and no doubt enjoy a few beers)

Some Pics

Not so big G (having lost 6 stone since Sept!) on his new Willy!

Gary Paul and Gareth

Gary, Nathan & Paul

Garth in his shiny new kit - which matches his shiny new bike and slinky new physique! ;)

Sponsored by worlds biggest Teacakes, courtesy of the fishermans

Final countdown

Bon Soir!!

With 2 days to go before the big send off the kits all arrived (looks pretty natty!) bikes are having their final services, ferries are booked, chamois cream has been purchased and  sponsorship is still coming in - great work everyone!

The weather forecast isnt looking too great so looks like i'll be leaving my bikini at home after all but we're nails so this isn't going to stop us!

I'm looking forward to meeting the guys from London and seeing the guys who've been elusive from our fun days out during recent weeks. Also looking forward to a few beers on Saturday when/if we finally arrive in Paris.

Will hopefully be posting daily updates on the voyage so please pop in and check out our progress :)

Also thanks to the guys at Big Adventure Store and Performance Cycles for their great support in fixing our broken bits over the last couple of months at a moments notice so we don't miss out on the big rides.

See latest update for fundraising, there's still some more figures to come in so this number is expected to be raised. But still got some to go to reach our target, so if you've not already donated, please dig deep and think of our poor sore bums and wind/rain swept hair (and my mascara running down my face) this week!